straight up

New York is one of the most straightforward places that a person can live. If a person wants to tell you that your driving stinks, or that you’re an inconsiderate “a-hole” for playing your Dr. Dre Beats so loud on the D-train during rush hour that you can’t hear the cries and curses of the throngs of commuters who are awkwardly trying to let you know that you’re blocking the door as they are trying to enter, they will. People definitely don’t hold back in this town. If only people could be as straightforward and blunt while dating, then maybe we could actually find true love these days instead of wasting our time on people who aren’t really worth the effort.

I can’t count all of the stories of friends who have gone through all of the motions of dating, and then miraculously a long lost ex has come back into the life of the person they were dating, or they just happened to be one of three people the person was dating, and the person decided to go with that guy with the chiseled features, dashing good looks, and body molded from Michelangelo’s Statue of David in Florence [damn you Dolvett Quince, Biggest Loser trainer, messing it up for all of the funny guys in the room]. Listen, I might not have an “eight pack,” but I have a great sense of humor, I’m freakishly smart, I’m a writer, I’m ultra fashionable, and I’m a hopeful romantic [definitely Carrie Bradshaw in guy form].

All of my single friends are amazing, and maybe that’s why we’re still single. Maybe we’re just too clean, too proper, and too nice. Maybe we should just let ourselves go, because you see some of the guys that girls date these days, and you’re like, “Really [double exclamation point, question mark]”

Once, my friend was so into this girl that I couldn’t even recognize him anymore. For a moment, I thought hearts were growing out of his beard. I was thinking to myself, she “Aight.” Nothing that I would necessarily lose sleep over. Ironically, that’s the same thing that he said to me about someone whom I was dating [great minds think alike].

So, my friend took this girl on all of these great dates for months and thought of all of these ultra considerate things to do, such as surprise her at home with all of her favorite snacks [real college care package status]. Then, after all of these months of dating and a few weekend getaways later, she hit him with the Maury tagline: “I have an ex-boyfriend who I just recently connected with, and I realized that I’m still in love with him [a common theme among some women these days].”  They stopped dating obviously.

Shortly thereafter, we all had this really awkward moment where we were sharing drinks and good cheer with mutual friends, and she showed up with him. Dude definitely looked like he belonged in the Stone Age [straight up caveman status]. And he definitely didn’t sound any better, or smarter. I was just sitting there sipping my drink, giving him the “side-eye.”

And, I thought my situation was messed up…

I think everyone should be totally honest with each other while dating. If you have an ex-boyfriend who is potentially unstable, might have done time for gun possession, or has “dumb jock” tendencies, please let me know so that I can file a restraining order before things get out of hand. If I’m one of ten guys that you’re dating because you’re trying to maximize your “finding a husband” potential, please let me know so that I don’t keep my hopes too, too high [definitely wouldn’t take those odds to the bank]. And, if you’re not interested in a person romantically, please be straightforward from the very beginning instead letting things linger indefinitely — or linger until you get tired of the person trying and decide to take a passive aggressive approach by ignoring the person’s calls and texts [please don’t insult my intelligence]. Be straight up.


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